If you don't cry yourself to sleep, you'll wake up crying.

Dreams.

It always shake things up. I was feeling better until I woke up all sweaty and puffy nosed and bathed in tears this morning. I was trying not to think about him but when your subconscious traps you in a nightmare that it collected while you were trying not to think about, you really have no escape. And I thought I was friends with Morpheus! Tss.

I would want to spend all morning mulling about the "meaning" behind that dream, except that I couldn't breathe when I think about it. It pinches on me, like a thousand needles. It's like acupuncture being given by your dog. Instead of being relaxed you will only feel more pain and sickness. 

A friend told me yesterday that all I can really do is pray and hope things will change.

I miss him. And I'm hoping in the back of my mind that whatever he's doing, he misses me too.

I snapped.

I've been a wreck for the past few days.

After the way he treated me last Friday, I have been feeling like an enormous sack of rag that's been trampled on. He went to Bacolod on Saturday, I ate with my friends and out of frustration I agreed to get beer with them - alcohol free no more. By Sunday, I went to a good friend's new office and helped him fix the place up. I told him what happened.

"Dump him. You know you're better than that. Do you want to continue being his dog?" 

He's right. You know he's right.

I said nothing. I just shrugged.

"I'm trying to help you but it's up to you. Don't be a dog." 

He's right.

I shrugged again. 

On Monday night, I tried to talk to him but he stands his ground, unapologetic.And he only understands what he wants to understand. Not listening to my point. Before he went to sleep I told him "If You don't want to understand, fine. If You just want to stick to what you only understand, fine. But you can't hurt people and say "we'll just do this and that" and expect it to be okay, it doesn't work that way for too long. I'm not putting down my pride anymore, you already trampled on it. Go to sleep."

On Tuesday, I was feeling worse than ever. I didn't go to school the whole afternoon. I went to a teashop, stayed there the whole afternoon while reading a book. Forgot my problems for a while because I had to go to work. Work is work. No matter how much baggage I'm carrying, I had to smile for the students I have loved dearly.

No sign of him Tuesday night. 

He doesn't love you. 

 

I tried to stop my brain from being a menace but to no avail. 

 

He doesn't love you. 

 

 Again and again until I had the courage to text him. 

-"You don't love me"

 

The reply was almost instant.

 

-- "Not that much." See

 

-"No you don't. Because if you do you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. And you wouldn't keep hurting me on purpose."

 

--"Te ndi eh." (Then no.)

 

-"Why do you keep me?"

--"The question is, why do you keep me?"

-"You goddamn know why! Why do you."

--"Kay gusto mo." (Because you want me to.)

-"Because I want you to? Not because you want to?" No shit Sherlock.

 

--"Not really, but because I love you, I'll do what You want me to do." Fuck you. Let him leave if he wants to.

The problem is, I can't. I wanted to but I can't do it.You see, the people around me, they all leave all the time. I never liked that feeling. Now I'm afraid that he will too. 

-"She said straight and fast is nice. If I was gone would you look for me.."

I washed my face and slumped down on my bed after my last message. I get tired too. I felt suicidal last night mostly because I can get depressive. I cried because I can't hold it in forever. At least when I cry tonight, I won't have to do it anymore tomorrow. I looked at my wrist, scratched on it and fell fast to sleep. I get tired too.

"And that which had come together commenced to fall apart."

I'd rather wear my pants.

-- my previous post was rather... stupid. And so is this.

I admit it. I get a little frustrated at how unsophisticated and how scruffy I could look most of the time. Well, I'm not untidy, I'm just not fashionable enough. I don't know patterns and colors. I don't know what looks best with what. My mom and aunt buys most of my clothes and they would look very good -- on other people. I have so much clothes for a person who wears basically the same shirts over and over again. I hate wearing colors that would give me so much attention in public. And I just like wearing my shirts and pants. Greys and whites. Comfortable.

I usually end up stocking piles of clothes in my closet and then giving them away to my younger cousins later. And I would be shocked at how they would look like models in my clothing. But when I look at other people who can wear clothes by the trend and not look stupid or overdressed, I can't help but wonder why I can't do that. I try sometimes but I would feel funny and even look at myself funny. I think I look like the female version of Ace Ventura on meth.

I have poor posture, I cut my hair and I regret it, I can't walk on heels and I hate having to walk around in a dress or skirt even when I'm going to church. I remember ripping my perfectly new and gorgeous beige pencil skirt when I tried to wear it. I can go out of my house wearing the same outfits over and over again. I could pass looking like a tomboy but it's okay. I could easily trade my dresses for a replica of my favorite shirt. 

But I guess that's just me. If department stores were divided into "cliques", I would happily skip to the geek section.

Is it too much that I'm asking for? ~~

Maybe I do sound kind of needy right now.

Yesterday was our 1 year and 7th month together. I am not the type of girl who ask for too much, I just don't want you to feel like I'm strangling you. We don't celebrate "monthsary", I don't require gifts and I didn't even ask for your time. I'm afraid I have to admit that I almost forgot about yesterday, too. Maybe because you don't seem to care about that specific date.

But, when I chose to acknowledge yesterday because it was important for me you can't laugh at my face and make a joke about it and show that you don't care. A simple greeting would've helped. Or maybe you can just say "Yes, I remember". But you didn't do anything, you made me freaking upset and you didn't do anything. You even chose to just stay and watch your school program and ignore me. You showed me that I should have nothing to look forward to in this relationship. 

Every month I wait for you to show me that you remember, every month I get disappointed. I thought that at some point in time, you will wake up and realize that you want to make me feel what other girls felt when guys try to make them feel important and special. I don't want a lot anyway, I just want to see that you are paying attention. I just want to know that you never forgot. But, maybe I don't deserve that. Maybe, I'm not worth that kind of effort. Maybe that's too much trouble for you. 

So yet again, I have to compromise. They say "compromise is the key to a mature relationship.". I'm trying, but it will only work if both parties can compromise. I can't carry both of our weights forever.

So, do I sound needy yet?

Mr. Munchkin Man: Love and lose and find a way back.

I read this story on Facebook first because a friend "shared" it. Next, I found a blog (blog post from Annika Pink)which shared the same story.

Maybe I can't do much for the man but I know sharing the story on my blog will help.
I will show two pictures below.

  

 It is said in the story that he came to the Philippines to marry a Filipina but after she took 8 million pesos from him, she ran away. Selling munchkins is the only way for him to survive and to save money for a ticket back to his own country. His effort is truly commendable, he hasn't lost the will to carry on and still tries to make a living out of something legal. He didn't cheat on other people. He never even tried to steal from other people to survive what has been a horrendous experience. He lost his money to an opportunistic woman but he has and he is still gaining respect from all of us. 

I don't know why some people have to hurt others to satisfy his/her own selfish needs. He loved with all that he had and still has so much love to give.

I hope and pray for a solution to his problem, and a new beginning of a wonderful life for him. 

If I could buy all of his munchkins, I would. :) 

But I guess, this (along with my prayers) is all I could do to help. 

I am juggling.

I was not gonna be able to write anything for a while..and maybe I can't write much until Friday at the very least because I have Midterms tomorrow (or later) and on Friday. As you all know, I am caught between two things everyday. I go to college in the morning and after my classes I go straight to work. I'm lucky if I even get a few free minutes or an hour at most to spend with my special someone.

My week hasn't been peachy, I'm almost always exhausted and I got into a fight with ***** yesterday, exams are coming up, I have 10 students tomorrow and to top it all off I'm not in the mood to study. At all.Good thing that it's payday so my week isn't totally ruined. Salary is salary, no matter how little we get from the company I'm proud that I stopped asking money from my parents.

If there really are people reading my posts, forgive me..maybe? I'll make it up to you next week. Or if I can, I will make it up to you on Saturday or Sunday. Maybe I'll even share why I got into a fight with him. Boohoo.

Anyways, I have to end here because..well.. I have to force college books into my head tonight. Good night to everyone!

Oh. Earthquake!

So, around 9 pm there was an earthquake of 7.7 magnitude here in the Philippines. I was at work at that time but we had to evacuate the building because we were afraid that there might be an aftershock. I left the building still wearing my bedroom slippers and carrying my sandals by hand and the office had to postpone classes that was scheduled from 9 pm onwards. ._. I still had two classes left!

The earthquake lasted for seconds and the odd thing with this was that, doesn't feel like the ground was shaking. It felt like it was swaying. And that was scary as hell. I felt like I was in a boat that is going to flip over and capsize. I couldn't even stand up until it subsided!

Please please please. I hope it won't happen again, especially not in my sleep.

Something beautiful caught my eye.

I cannot write, I apologize for that. I cannot string syllables into pearl necklaces, I cannot weave words into velvet lace, I cannot paint pictures with my tongue or illustrate ideas with my pen. You startle me, wide-eyed and eager, hungry for the musings of the world and hungry for you. Your spirit descends like such sweet sorrow of a morning gone by, of a light laying itself to rest and I apologize again, my dear, that I cannot hold on to this spirit. I love you in ancient script and I love you in crumbling castles but I have left these in my wake, in destruction and ashes paled from the passing of many winters. Forgive me, my love, I do not know how to love without such ferocity.

- Peaches and Poetry

We died a long time ago.

**Before you read this entry I want you to know that I wrote this A few months back. March 27th, I believe.

 

Smiles. Reassuring hugs. Laughter. Calling me at night before I go to work. Kissing me when I least expect it. Keeping me away from the bad people. And for a while, just keeping me away from the rest of the world.

All this. All this and more slowly slipping away. I feel you drifting away from me and I know I can’t do anything.

You put your hand on my shoulder when I start to hold it. Smirks. Insults that can’t pass as jokes. Indifference. Getting annoyed with the little things. Making me feel like I’m stupid.

For a little while I felt doleful, for a little while I felt helpless. And then, I felt nothing. Like nothing is worth it anymore. Like whatever we do we just end up hurting each other. We try and we strive but to no avail.

I constantly say to myself that I should just let it go and fix myself first because there is a lot that could use some fixing. I say “Hey, look at yourself! Do you still think you can keep it up?”. I know I should end this, it’s been a not-so-merry-go-round routine between the two of us for so long. Yet, I can’t. I still can’t.

There is no blaming my heart here, my heart doesn’t really feel anything anymore. And I can’t blame the brain too, it’s telling me that the heart is right. I don’t know what or who to blame. The little love left? courage? hope? the queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach? guts? or maybe myself?

Or maybe it’s all of these little things all bundled together and telling me that there is something left when actually, there is none.

There actually is none.

Before I go to bed.

"Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sod above, lie light, lie light. Good night, dear Heart, Good night, good night."

~ Mark Twain.

I don't know how to write.

I really envy other people who can write flawlessly, it's like they're so deep in their thoughts when they're writing that they don't have to stop and think what to write next. But me, I don't even know where to start.. all the time. Wherever did I leave my talent, I do not know. But I want to get it back.

If someone out there is reading this.. I ask for your advice. This is so hard.

Upgrades

I finally had a little time to fix my blog. It's still a work in progress but it's getting better. I don't know why my tweets aren't showing up though.

Oh, there is a list of books that I have read.. or I remember reading. I have ratings for these books and some of them are bad. Like, I do not recommend it. Look to your right, scroll down a little. There is a box with a title "Personal Reads". If you click the title you will see my online library, the list of the books and their ratings. Some of them has reviews, some of them pending.

I'll have to fix a lot of inconsistencies in my blog this weekend but for now, I have to sleep.


“To all, to each, a fair good-night, And pleasing dreams, and slumbers light.” - Sir Walter Scott

Stealing a couple of minutes from work.

I have to make this quick. To summarize what happened to my day so far..

Tada!

What a weird dream I had..

I had to get a medicine of some sort to cure my cousin but I had to go through scary obstacles before I could get what I need. Next thing I know I was running away from Medusa and other Greek myth characters who guards the cure. I'm not a very effective story teller but I'll try to get into details later.. I'll have to write it down on a piece of paper then post it here when I'm done.

I'm craving for a very cold drink right now. I think I'll go get a milk tea. Bye!

 

Moonleaf Wintermelon Milk Tea. (photo borrowed from Google Image search )



The word for the day is "Lazy".

My body is not equipped to function normally today. I woke up and I didn't want to go to school. The intramural is still going on and there is just no point to stay there. Or this is just an excuse for me to extend my long weekend.

But let's just not say that it's lazy for in fact, it is VERY lazy. But one author said that we should not use the word "very" because that itself is lazy and simply will not work. So let us use other words to describe how I feel then.. Maybe we should use dilatory? Or maybe apathetic? Tardy or time-wasting? I do not know.

I'll just drink my Mogu Mogu and be on my way. I think that wold be better.

Every time I feel this way I just try to remember what Anne Frank said : "Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction." 

Skip to my loo! Bye! 

*Post Note: "Lou" came from the Scottish word "Loo" which means love. 

Expiry Date

This is an old material.
June 12 2011 • 12·44 pm

In a never ending chase of doubts and fears, would you still stick around and plunge yourself in hot water? I realized that I would, over and over again.
I’ve been with him running four months now and yes, things are shaky. Days ended in desolation, blames being thrown at each other, being barmy for no reason, pride, conflict and misunderstandings. All these running in complete circle, all these and more. You would think that a normal person with very short patience for idiocy and drama would’ve ended the relationship. Well, I’m not going to lie, I did think about that. But every time I do, I remember the good things and the balmy words and the future that he spoke of. And I say to myself that nothing could top that, and I remember that nothing could make me hate him.
Today is Sunday, 2:31am on my clock. Last Friday, I was completely infuriated with him because he forgot. I’m not the type of girl who asks for a celebration and I don’t give him the demands to greet me. All I wanted was his presence, was it too much to ask? I understand that he has important things to do. Well, I can’t take him away from responsibilities. And I won’t.
But forgetting is a different thing altogether. He said “I thought you said you don’t care about that monthsary stuff” I don’t. I don’t care about celebrations, I won’t mind if you feel too mushy to greet me. Just don’t forget. And no matter how tough I sound, I’m still a girl. And I need to know that you’re paying attention.
Saturday, just after 7pm he asked where I was. And I said I’m at a mall and asked why.
“kadtuan ta ka eh” (I’m coming to you)
“hndi, my kadtuan ka pa” (no, you have to go somewhere)
“may upod ka da haw?” (Why? Is someone with you?)
“wala, ako lang. pero ma late ka sa kadtuan mo” (no, just me. But you’re going to be late)
            “ok, pakadto na” (ok, I’m on my way)
            “diin?” (to where?)
            “sa imo” (to you)
            I can’t believe he intentionally ditched band practice at church to be with me. (Dear God, I am not taking him from you.) I couldn’t deny that I felt so much better when I saw him but I was still mad and decided not to make the night easy for him (I wish). But minutes passed and his question kept going. It was “Are you still mad at me?” same question over and over and over. And the more he asked and held me the more I couldn’t restrain my smiles. And he won me over, yet again.
            While we we’re at the mall together, he asked a question that I don’t know how to respond to:
“Moi, ma ano ka kung ma bal-an mo nga may expiry date ko?” (Moi, what will you do if you knew that I have an expiry date?).
The question popped because he has RHD and earlier that day his doctor said that the hole in his heart has gotten bigger.  I didn’t know what to say, and then I realized that I just couldn’t imagine that life anymore. These are the moments when you feel like you’re so sure of something. And I knew I was sure with him. And I just couldn’t take hold of the idea of the “expiry date”. I don’t even want to dare.
            A few more walks. We shared a muffin and a donut. Kissed me goodnight. Then it was time to go home.
            I went home with a big smile on my face. When I got home I immediately sent him a text message. I told him I was happy and he asked why. I said it was because I got to see him today. His reply was:
            “Really? So if we don’t see each other, you go into a psychotic rampage? Hahaha :D”
“Not really.:)”
            “Just mild?:D”
            “Probably? Haha!”
            “Why can’t you get mad at me?”
            “Because, I love you?”
            “:D”
            “Happy? :)”
            “I always am when I’m with you.:)”
            And I know he’s smiling that same adorable smile that I love, and that was all that I needed. Who said you needed words? :)


*Post Script: This is just when were together for 4 months..We are still together, 1 year and a half now. But I still love him. Sometimes I tend to forget that because I get annoyed and irritated with little things. But he makes me remember. <3

Before I go

Before I go I have to share something. This is an old material. Enjoy. :)