June 12 2011 • 12·44 pm
In a never ending chase of doubts and fears, would you still stick around and plunge yourself in hot water? I realized that I would, over and over again.
I’ve been with him running four months now and yes, things are shaky. Days ended in desolation, blames being thrown at each other, being barmy for no reason, pride, conflict and misunderstandings. All these running in complete circle, all these and more. You would think that a normal person with very short patience for idiocy and drama would’ve ended the relationship. Well, I’m not going to lie, I did think about that. But every time I do, I remember the good things and the balmy words and the future that he spoke of. And I say to myself that nothing could top that, and I remember that nothing could make me hate him.
Today is Sunday, 2:31am on my clock. Last Friday, I was completely infuriated with him because he forgot. I’m not the type of girl who asks for a celebration and I don’t give him the demands to greet me. All I wanted was his presence, was it too much to ask? I understand that he has important things to do. Well, I can’t take him away from responsibilities. And I won’t.
But forgetting is a different thing altogether. He said “I thought you said you don’t care about that monthsary stuff” I don’t. I don’t care about celebrations, I won’t mind if you feel too mushy to greet me. Just don’t forget. And no matter how tough I sound, I’m still a girl. And I need to know that you’re paying attention.
Saturday, just after 7pm he asked where I was. And I said I’m at a mall and asked why.
“kadtuan ta ka eh” (I’m coming to you)
“hndi, my kadtuan ka pa” (no, you have to go somewhere)
“may upod ka da haw?” (Why? Is someone with you?)
“wala, ako lang. pero ma late ka sa kadtuan mo” (no, just me. But you’re going to be late)
“ok, pakadto na” (ok, I’m on my way)
“diin?” (to where?)
“sa imo” (to you)
I can’t believe he intentionally ditched band practice at church to be with me. (Dear God, I am not taking him from you.) I couldn’t deny that I felt so much better when I saw him but I was still mad and decided not to make the night easy for him (I wish). But minutes passed and his question kept going. It was “Are you still mad at me?” same question over and over and over. And the more he asked and held me the more I couldn’t restrain my smiles. And he won me over, yet again.
While we we’re at the mall together, he asked a question that I don’t know how to respond to:
“Moi, ma ano ka kung ma bal-an mo nga may expiry date ko?” (Moi, what will you do if you knew that I have an expiry date?).
The question popped because he has RHD and earlier that day his doctor said that the hole in his heart has gotten bigger. I didn’t know what to say, and then I realized that I just couldn’t imagine that life anymore. These are the moments when you feel like you’re so sure of something. And I knew I was sure with him. And I just couldn’t take hold of the idea of the “expiry date”. I don’t even want to dare.
A few more walks. We shared a muffin and a donut. Kissed me goodnight. Then it was time to go home.
I went home with a big smile on my face. When I got home I immediately sent him a text message. I told him I was happy and he asked why. I said it was because I got to see him today. His reply was:
“Really? So if we don’t see each other, you go into a psychotic rampage? Hahaha :D”
“Not really.:)”
“Just mild?:D”
“Probably? Haha!”
“Why can’t you get mad at me?”
“Because, I love you?”
“:D”
“Happy? :)”
“I always am when I’m with you.:)”
And I know he’s smiling that same adorable smile that I love, and that was all that I needed. Who said you needed words? :)
*Post Script: This is just when were together for 4 months..We are still together, 1 year and a half now. But I still love him. Sometimes I tend to forget that because I get annoyed and irritated with little things. But he makes me remember. <3
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