We died a long time ago.

**Before you read this entry I want you to know that I wrote this A few months back. March 27th, I believe.

 

Smiles. Reassuring hugs. Laughter. Calling me at night before I go to work. Kissing me when I least expect it. Keeping me away from the bad people. And for a while, just keeping me away from the rest of the world.

All this. All this and more slowly slipping away. I feel you drifting away from me and I know I can’t do anything.

You put your hand on my shoulder when I start to hold it. Smirks. Insults that can’t pass as jokes. Indifference. Getting annoyed with the little things. Making me feel like I’m stupid.

For a little while I felt doleful, for a little while I felt helpless. And then, I felt nothing. Like nothing is worth it anymore. Like whatever we do we just end up hurting each other. We try and we strive but to no avail.

I constantly say to myself that I should just let it go and fix myself first because there is a lot that could use some fixing. I say “Hey, look at yourself! Do you still think you can keep it up?”. I know I should end this, it’s been a not-so-merry-go-round routine between the two of us for so long. Yet, I can’t. I still can’t.

There is no blaming my heart here, my heart doesn’t really feel anything anymore. And I can’t blame the brain too, it’s telling me that the heart is right. I don’t know what or who to blame. The little love left? courage? hope? the queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach? guts? or maybe myself?

Or maybe it’s all of these little things all bundled together and telling me that there is something left when actually, there is none.

There actually is none.