Confessions of aka Basha (I)

This is Chapter One of one part of my life.

The cliché of the almost extinct love that got away.

The now non-existent romance that I can't revive as much as I want to.

If you don't cry yourself to sleep, you'll wake up crying.

Dreams.

It always shake things up. I was feeling better until I woke up all sweaty and puffy nosed and bathed in tears this morning. I was trying not to think about him but when your subconscious traps you in a nightmare that it collected while you were trying not to think about, you really have no escape. And I thought I was friends with Morpheus! Tss.

I would want to spend all morning mulling about the "meaning" behind that dream, except that I couldn't breathe when I think about it. It pinches on me, like a thousand needles. It's like acupuncture being given by your dog. Instead of being relaxed you will only feel more pain and sickness. 

A friend told me yesterday that all I can really do is pray and hope things will change.

I miss him. And I'm hoping in the back of my mind that whatever he's doing, he misses me too.

I snapped.

I've been a wreck for the past few days.

After the way he treated me last Friday, I have been feeling like an enormous sack of rag that's been trampled on. He went to Bacolod on Saturday, I ate with my friends and out of frustration I agreed to get beer with them - alcohol free no more. By Sunday, I went to a good friend's new office and helped him fix the place up. I told him what happened.

"Dump him. You know you're better than that. Do you want to continue being his dog?" 

He's right. You know he's right.

I said nothing. I just shrugged.

"I'm trying to help you but it's up to you. Don't be a dog." 

He's right.

I shrugged again. 

On Monday night, I tried to talk to him but he stands his ground, unapologetic.And he only understands what he wants to understand. Not listening to my point. Before he went to sleep I told him "If You don't want to understand, fine. If You just want to stick to what you only understand, fine. But you can't hurt people and say "we'll just do this and that" and expect it to be okay, it doesn't work that way for too long. I'm not putting down my pride anymore, you already trampled on it. Go to sleep."

On Tuesday, I was feeling worse than ever. I didn't go to school the whole afternoon. I went to a teashop, stayed there the whole afternoon while reading a book. Forgot my problems for a while because I had to go to work. Work is work. No matter how much baggage I'm carrying, I had to smile for the students I have loved dearly.

No sign of him Tuesday night. 

He doesn't love you. 

 

I tried to stop my brain from being a menace but to no avail. 

 

He doesn't love you. 

 

 Again and again until I had the courage to text him. 

-"You don't love me"

 

The reply was almost instant.

 

-- "Not that much." See

 

-"No you don't. Because if you do you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. And you wouldn't keep hurting me on purpose."

 

--"Te ndi eh." (Then no.)

 

-"Why do you keep me?"

--"The question is, why do you keep me?"

-"You goddamn know why! Why do you."

--"Kay gusto mo." (Because you want me to.)

-"Because I want you to? Not because you want to?" No shit Sherlock.

 

--"Not really, but because I love you, I'll do what You want me to do." Fuck you. Let him leave if he wants to.

The problem is, I can't. I wanted to but I can't do it.You see, the people around me, they all leave all the time. I never liked that feeling. Now I'm afraid that he will too. 

-"She said straight and fast is nice. If I was gone would you look for me.."

I washed my face and slumped down on my bed after my last message. I get tired too. I felt suicidal last night mostly because I can get depressive. I cried because I can't hold it in forever. At least when I cry tonight, I won't have to do it anymore tomorrow. I looked at my wrist, scratched on it and fell fast to sleep. I get tired too.

"And that which had come together commenced to fall apart."

I'd rather wear my pants.

-- my previous post was rather... stupid. And so is this.

I admit it. I get a little frustrated at how unsophisticated and how scruffy I could look most of the time. Well, I'm not untidy, I'm just not fashionable enough. I don't know patterns and colors. I don't know what looks best with what. My mom and aunt buys most of my clothes and they would look very good -- on other people. I have so much clothes for a person who wears basically the same shirts over and over again. I hate wearing colors that would give me so much attention in public. And I just like wearing my shirts and pants. Greys and whites. Comfortable.

I usually end up stocking piles of clothes in my closet and then giving them away to my younger cousins later. And I would be shocked at how they would look like models in my clothing. But when I look at other people who can wear clothes by the trend and not look stupid or overdressed, I can't help but wonder why I can't do that. I try sometimes but I would feel funny and even look at myself funny. I think I look like the female version of Ace Ventura on meth.

I have poor posture, I cut my hair and I regret it, I can't walk on heels and I hate having to walk around in a dress or skirt even when I'm going to church. I remember ripping my perfectly new and gorgeous beige pencil skirt when I tried to wear it. I can go out of my house wearing the same outfits over and over again. I could pass looking like a tomboy but it's okay. I could easily trade my dresses for a replica of my favorite shirt. 

But I guess that's just me. If department stores were divided into "cliques", I would happily skip to the geek section.

Is it too much that I'm asking for? ~~

Maybe I do sound kind of needy right now.

Yesterday was our 1 year and 7th month together. I am not the type of girl who ask for too much, I just don't want you to feel like I'm strangling you. We don't celebrate "monthsary", I don't require gifts and I didn't even ask for your time. I'm afraid I have to admit that I almost forgot about yesterday, too. Maybe because you don't seem to care about that specific date.

But, when I chose to acknowledge yesterday because it was important for me you can't laugh at my face and make a joke about it and show that you don't care. A simple greeting would've helped. Or maybe you can just say "Yes, I remember". But you didn't do anything, you made me freaking upset and you didn't do anything. You even chose to just stay and watch your school program and ignore me. You showed me that I should have nothing to look forward to in this relationship. 

Every month I wait for you to show me that you remember, every month I get disappointed. I thought that at some point in time, you will wake up and realize that you want to make me feel what other girls felt when guys try to make them feel important and special. I don't want a lot anyway, I just want to see that you are paying attention. I just want to know that you never forgot. But, maybe I don't deserve that. Maybe, I'm not worth that kind of effort. Maybe that's too much trouble for you. 

So yet again, I have to compromise. They say "compromise is the key to a mature relationship.". I'm trying, but it will only work if both parties can compromise. I can't carry both of our weights forever.

So, do I sound needy yet?

Mr. Munchkin Man: Love and lose and find a way back.

I read this story on Facebook first because a friend "shared" it. Next, I found a blog (blog post from Annika Pink)which shared the same story.

Maybe I can't do much for the man but I know sharing the story on my blog will help.
I will show two pictures below.

  

 It is said in the story that he came to the Philippines to marry a Filipina but after she took 8 million pesos from him, she ran away. Selling munchkins is the only way for him to survive and to save money for a ticket back to his own country. His effort is truly commendable, he hasn't lost the will to carry on and still tries to make a living out of something legal. He didn't cheat on other people. He never even tried to steal from other people to survive what has been a horrendous experience. He lost his money to an opportunistic woman but he has and he is still gaining respect from all of us. 

I don't know why some people have to hurt others to satisfy his/her own selfish needs. He loved with all that he had and still has so much love to give.

I hope and pray for a solution to his problem, and a new beginning of a wonderful life for him. 

If I could buy all of his munchkins, I would. :) 

But I guess, this (along with my prayers) is all I could do to help. 

I am juggling.

I was not gonna be able to write anything for a while..and maybe I can't write much until Friday at the very least because I have Midterms tomorrow (or later) and on Friday. As you all know, I am caught between two things everyday. I go to college in the morning and after my classes I go straight to work. I'm lucky if I even get a few free minutes or an hour at most to spend with my special someone.

My week hasn't been peachy, I'm almost always exhausted and I got into a fight with ***** yesterday, exams are coming up, I have 10 students tomorrow and to top it all off I'm not in the mood to study. At all.Good thing that it's payday so my week isn't totally ruined. Salary is salary, no matter how little we get from the company I'm proud that I stopped asking money from my parents.

If there really are people reading my posts, forgive me..maybe? I'll make it up to you next week. Or if I can, I will make it up to you on Saturday or Sunday. Maybe I'll even share why I got into a fight with him. Boohoo.

Anyways, I have to end here because..well.. I have to force college books into my head tonight. Good night to everyone!